the toughest thing


Home again after returning from Portland yesterday morning. A strange mixture of feelings on the flight back. Relief that my brother was in a safer place. Sadness for him and the deeply hard work that he is going to have to face to get well. Awe for witnessing my mother in the most profound state of vulnerability I've ever seen her in. Gratitude for having been given the opportunity to make this trip. Fear that my brother would check out before the program was over. Exhaustion and energy all at once. 

Today, surprisingly, I feel a funny disconnect. I am not on the verge of weeping. I am not balling my fists in anger. Perhaps knowing that my brother is being attended to, I am returning to the tasks of taking care of what's in front of me. A last-minute writing job. A catering gig. Making dinner. Buying laundry detergent. Emptying the trash. This is a series of activities meant, perhaps, to bring the body back to center. They offer a certain blessed neutrality. I see that the rush of adrenaline in going up to Portland and back must now be tempered with placidity and ease. And I am trying to keep things simple and positive. 

It takes energy to put your heart out again. I'm glad I had juice enough to go up to Portland and see this through, because it offers me a good template for how I want to show up this year: honest, focused, absolutely true to myself.

And in that spirit, I have been working on a theme song for 2011. I'm not sure why I thought to write one, but it seemed like a good idea to make something that could carry me through this coming year. I'm attaching it here. I don't have the words yet, but the music's there. And that's not too shabby of a place to start.

Listen on Posterous